one special piece

My Dad's brother went to the ICU Room. 

I cant describe how awful is my feeling. He is the closest person to my dad and the second father for my youngest brother, Justin. 


The family whatsapp group has been so busy. Relatives keep asking about the recent condition and the photos of my poor Pak tua make my heart in pain. I pray to God for his health. I wish he can be better soon. I call my dad and he could make my heart feel relax. He is telling me there are too many people in the hospital, and it looks like a market. My dad such a healer in mind.


Listening the song of Calum Scott - No matter what. The song tell us about how our parents love us very much. 



When I was a young boy I was scared of growing up
I didn’t understand it but I was terrified of love
Felt like I had to choose but it was outta my control
I needed to be saved, I was going crazy on my own
Took me years to tell my mother, I expected the worst
I gathered all the courage in the world

She said, "I love you no matter what
I just want you to be happy and always be who you are"
She wrapped her arms around me
Said, "Don’t try to be what you’re not
'Cause I love you no matter what"
She loves me no matter what

I got a little older wishing all my time away
Riding on the pavement, every sunny day was grey
I trusted in my friends then all my world came crashing down
I wish I never said a thing 'cause to them I’m a stranger now

I ran home I saw my mother, it was written on my face
Felt like I had a heart of glass about to break

She said, "I love you no matter what
I just want you to be happy and always be who you are"
She wrapped her arms around me
Said, "Don’t try to be what you’re not
'Cause I love you no matter what" yeah

Now I’m a man and I’m so much wiser
I walk the earth with my head held higher
I got the love that I need
But I was still missing one special piece
My father looked at me

He said I love you no matter what
I just want you to be happy and always be who you are
He wrapped his arms around me
Said, "Don’t try to be what you’re not
'Cause I love you no matter what"
He loves me no matter what

They love me no matter what

You are the reason

Cause I need you to see
That you are(n't) the reason (yet)

Di hadapan orang lain aku selalu bersikap sok tidak mau serius. Seolah nunjukin aku itu penganut work hard play hard. Padahal dalam hati semua kompleks. Aku takut kehilangan semangat untuk lebih berusaha menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik lagi.

Entah aku ingin membuatmu terkesan, atau membuatmu menjadi motivasi ku untuk bangkit. Sekarang aku benar-benar sedang krisis. Bagaimana agar kamu tetap ada.

Aku takut kamu pergi, dan aku tidak punya alasan lagi, untuk apa aku berlelah-lelah bekerja.

Aku tidak terlalu materialistis. Aku tidak butuh baju modis, gaya hidup mewah atau makanan yg mahal. Aku cuma perlu semangat. Aku cuma perlu pengakuan kalo aku bisa berbagi.

Aku takut kamu tidak menyapaku lagi, dan aku akan berkubang dalam keterpurukan,  pasrah dan monoton.

Aku belum seorang yang hebat, belum mandiri, belum memiliki iman yg tangguh, dan belum bisa lurus. Aku juga bisa jatuh kapan saja saat ini. Jatuh dan lemah pada niat jahat orang lain.

Aku ga butuh apa-apa. Aku cuma butuh kamu untuk menjadi sebuah alasan.  Kalau boleh berharap, aku juga ingin bisa bersandar.

Aku belum terlalu mencintai diri sendiri. Kadang aku pesimis akan masa depan mengingat mama dan adikku berpulang begitu cepat.
Aku merasa sangat sendirian.

Hari ini hari yang bersejarah.Puncak dari aku berlaku bodoh, dan menyeret orang lain dalam kebodohanku.
Tapi itu adalah bagian dari hidup.

3 puisi selama kebodohan itu terjadi:

Padang

Ada sebuah Padang yang indah
Harusnya menumbuhkan bunga-bunga
Tapi ternyata tidaklah mudah

Kumbang yang lelah
Matahari yang terik
Angin yang panas
Tapi Padang itu menahan semua

Dia berusaha terlihat hijau
Padahal akar-akarnya sudah tak bertenaga

Dia terlalu lama bersama awannya
Awannya yang kini terasa gerah
Sang Padang berontak inginkan petir dan hujan
Yang awannya terlalu susah untuk dikabulkan

Angin waktu berhembus, membawa awan lain berat yang ingin berhenti.
Sang Padang bersemi.
Dia ingin kan awan pendatang tinggal.
Petir yang dia inginkan terjadi. Namun ini terkadang menakutkan. Hujan yang segar namun terhalang awan terdahulu.
Tentu saja ini boleh terjadi.

Karena Padang akan perlahan mati.
Dia bosan menjadi Padang yang cuma menunggu.
Kelak dia akan menjadi angin
Bebas
Ini lebih baik.
Walau sebenarnya yang dia inginkan adalah menumbuhkan bunga bunga yang cantik.


Mari Anggap
Mari anggap kamu tidak pernah ada
Mungkin akan berkurang gundah ini
Mari pikirkan tentang pertemuan kita
Hanya sebatas fiksi di novel atau drama
Atau bahkan mimpi aneh

Entah rasa apa yg ada dalam dada
Terasa sakit sampai terkena kulit
Antara rindu dan emosi
Dilema yang tak bertepi
Entah apa itu
Yang jelas aku ingin menguranginya

Mungkin dengan melihatmu akan lepas
Tapi aku tak bisa membuatku melihatmu
Sebatas photo dan teks percakapan
Bagaikan setetes air laut di kehausan
Seolah mengobati malah menjadi lebih parah

Mari anggap kamu tak ada
Mari sembunyikan kontakmu
Ingin kembali ke masa aku belum terlalu begini
Saat masih kadar yang bisa kusengaja
Sekarang senyum pun aku rasa hambar

Entah kenapa bisa sebodoh ini



Pengamatan bodohku
Barisan deretan kalimat yang memancingku berdecak
Kau paket yg sangat menyenangkan
Penampilanmu yang lucu saat aku memperhatikanmu
Namun tetap ucapanmu membuatku terkagum

Dia memang kelihatan gelisah
Tapi kata-katanya penuh keberanian
Mungkin pelan
Sambil mengukur
Apa responku
Apa niatmu

Sambil terbayang
Tapi aku tetap siaga
Jangan sampai jatuh karena ini tidak mengarah
Janji yang kau tawarkan
Indah namun aku tak bisa berkata
Itu hanya pancingan
Atau kamu memang berkata yang benar
Atau aku yang memang penakut

Ah aku rindu
Tapi aku takut mengganggu
Dimana aku masih dengan yg lain
Tentu aku yang paling tidak tau malu
Tapi aku benar benar rindu
Ingin rasanya selalu kau 
Dan aku merasa galau

Aku rindu
Seseorang yang tidak memiliki ikatan denganku

Aku benar rindu

Silly Me

I always love the first experience.
It feels so exciting.
And This is first time everyone thought im cheating.

Im not flirting, this is just a dinner between friends. So why do I look like a sinner one? Why cant I sleep then?

I know He will never let me have another guy friend. I know he will never let me go even I ve already been sick of this relationship.

Yeah, this is my fault, my stupidity.
But Im enjoying this.
Even
I hate my brain.
I hate my mouth.
I hate myself.
I hate the childish side of me
I am at the lowest of my energi.
I cant sleep.
I cant wake up.
I hate for being overreacting.
I wish I could stop.
I know I cant.
The best thing that I can do is run.
And one day I Will run again and have a proper life. 
I hate I have no one.
I wish I could have mom.
I wish Im still a teenager so I can burst out to dad.
This stupid thought.
I hate for being thoughtful.

Curhat ini bahasa

Udah mau akhir tahun. Tipikal anak perantau pasti dah mulai bikin rencana pulang kampung atau tidak. Aku entahlah, tahun lalu, si adek yg di Kalimantan pada wanti2 saya harus pulang, sampe nawarin diongkosin segala. Sekarang adem ayem, ga ada grasak grusuknya nanyain tiket.

Pengen pulang, kangen sih. Apalagi pengen lihat ponakan yg bakalan ultah first year tahun ini, si Naomi, the only daughter of my oldest brother.

Tapi entah kenapa, mikirin pulang dan akan ditimpuki pertanyaan kapan ini kapan itu, duh malas deh.

Duh pengen hidup tenang dari pertanyaan orang. Sampe ga nyaman kalo ikut acara keluarga. Dari berangkat, di acara dan mau pulang pasti pada nanyain dan dinasehati, sampe pernah didoakan Pak tua saya yg pendeta hahahaha.

Aku sudah melihat sendiri kehidupan pernikahan teman2 dan bahkan adekku sendiri. Kalau nikahnya hanya bermodal cinta dan umur dewasa, hari-hari yg dibicarakan hanyalah keuangan saja, sampe kadang berselisih paham. Apalagi kalo emang pekerjaan suami belum mapan, si istri pasti ngerasa gimana gitu ga bisa beli atau belanja yg dia inginkan.

Dan juga kalau status si perempuan bekerja, tentu saja dia akan kelelahan karena harus bekerja lagi di rumah. Sementara si pria, bekerja diluar dan bersantai dirumah, bahkan bisa kongkow-kongkow atau bermain game dengan teman-temannya. 

So, apa yg salah kalau aku belum mau melepaskan status lajang? Masih banyak hal yg ingin aku lakukan ketimbang berlelah-lelah ngurus rumah dan makan hati lihat kelakuan suami. 

Aku masih pengen ngelakuin keseharianku, bangun telat, pergi senam, belajar bahasa asing, belajar bikin website, kerja di les, ambil sampingan ngajar komputer, keluyuran malam, hahaha. Coba kalo udah nikah, mungkin aku akan stress. Kadang-kadang pengen deh kayak wanita dewasa single yg keren kayak di film gitu. Pakaian modis, aktif, rajin olahraga dan rajin beramal hahahaha. 

Entahlah, hari ini harusnya nulis bahasa Inggris, biar sekalian practice, malah jadi pake bahasa Indonesia, biar perasaan afdol. 😁

The advice

So, his senior said something about my bf. He saw the similarity between him with N*val in the past. He said when he see my bf, it feels like seeing him in the past. "Twenties years ago, I was like him. The clumsy and silly one. Everybody said that I dont have a bright future. But then there was a woman who changed me. " By the way, now he is a businessman and a kind of politician.
I just smiled, not really into it.
"So, I guess the woman now is your wife." I replied bluntly.
"Nope."
"The ex?"
"Yes. The "Miss Ospek". I was so naive and dull asking her to be my girl. But we were going out eventually. And it happened. She changed me, at 24 Ive became an auditor in a big company."
It wouldnt happen to N*val, I said to my self.
"You said that you see kindness in him, thats why you stand for him for 4 years, right?"
I nodded with nerve smile. We speak English in front of many people, in front Nov*l, J*se, J*sica and others, and it is not a normal conversation. It sounds like relationship consultation.
"The kindness is the key of success, even people betray and play with us, the kindness will lead the way."
"Errrr Okay.."
It wouldnt happen with Noval, I said to myself. I dont have any idea of changing him, I ve already been tired of quarelling anytime we have different thought.
"He is afraid of losing you. He tried to be a leader for you, but he will never be. Because you are a smart girl."
If I am really that smart, it will be easy for me for studying English translation, I think in doubt.
"I started to change for good then she left me. You could leave him for good, or you can wait to get the better version of him. He is a diamond, you just need to polish him."
I shrugged my shoulder.
"Believe me, Im good at learning about people."
"He is a dull. Everytime I give a word, he fight back." I said honestly.
"His shio is snake right. "
"Yes." I laughed. So we are talking about shio right now.
"If you try to fight with snake, it will stand and fight back. So dont make a fight, but just kick it hard."
" hahaha, make sense."
"You get it now, just kick it. Do trade off (tarik ulur)."
"Yeah, I dont know. I will try."

Its general advice , I am a girl, need a specific tips for sure.

But then I think the honest reason why I ve been stuck in this relationship, because I am not good at flirting and cheating with others, or because I am so selfish and he is always been there for me. So there wont any chances we separated. Its not all about his kindness and clumsiness. I ve no idea of changing him. I ve been sick of fighting with him a lot.

Past Tense

I wont ever forget when the three of them sent me home. When I said I love being friends with them, I meant it. When I left them behind, I thought I would be fine. But it occured, making me forget how to make friends. The nice side of me turned into a paranoid. I am afraid of being used, left by someone I call friend. I ignored the friendship that other offered. I was outside, but I was trapped a room in the crowded. I was being good at putting fake smile. I felt comfortable being alone with my sad face. I didn't need to say hi and asking others feeling. Greeting someone became a big problem. I found misery in others think were nothing to worry about. I felt uneasy easily.

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry

And everytime you leave me, the quicker these tears dry

And everytime you walk out, the less I love you

Baby, we dont stand a chance, its sad but its true 

(Sam smith - Too Good at Goodbyes)

Kenapa harus curhat di blog?

Kenapa hey?

Sekarang aku post pake bahasa Indonesia. Agak mual sama bahasa Inggris. Ngajar pake bahasa Inggris, belajar bahasa inggris, sampe bersenandung juga harus English hahaha.

Kembali ke topik, kenapa harus curhat di blog? Biar dibilang apa coba?

Dulu aku setiap ngerasa galau, salah satunya obatnya itu browsing di internet. Liat-liat di kaskus atau googling, atau lihat di curhat.com apa ada orang yg punya masalah yang aku alami sekarang. Rasanya diinternet bisa terkoneksi dengan orang luar. Jadi saat curhat di blog, rasanya pasti ada silent reader diluar sana yg mengalami hal yg sama. Mudah-mudahan bisa menjadi motivasi atau inspirasi. 😀

Anehnya aku cenderung menulis blog saat sedang dirundung galau. Saat sedang happy dan sibuk, susah menulis kata-kata. Dan memang kesenangan lebih seru diceritakan secara lisan dibanding tulisan.

Dan memang menulis kadang bisa menjadi jalan keluar dari kegalauan. Kita bisa mengurutkan kejadian, mengoreksi perasaan kita apakah itu over reacting atau respon yg normal, dan yang terakhir otak kita memproses beberapa solusi atau sisi positif dari permasalahan tersebut. Hasilnya ya mirip pas kita curhat sama seseorang.

So, menurutku itu mungkin beberapa alasan pribadi yang suka curhat di blog.

Under Pressure

I have AB blood type. Companies in Japan would never ever hire me as an employee. The analyze about character according the blood said that I am a moody person,  temporarily motivated and can not stand for working under pressure. Yeah, thats me, I guess so.

Put concentration in several place really sucks. It invades my brain perpetually. Sometimes I transform become a broken machine, can not doing anything, in other word "lazy".

Then the guilty cell shouting in mind. How come a perfect body, perfect mind can be defeated by unlucky person or sorry, disable person out there. They can work better than me, no complaining, moving faster and studying hard.

Blame Comfort Zone and Low Self Esteem.

He drives me wherever I need to go.
He will be very grumpy whenever I fall things down but will be the first to fix.
He  carries and order the things when I move.
He could listen everything I say.
But he never accepts the word no.
He would fight to get yes.
Never gives me a space.
Making me tired and wanna quit badly.
Feels like trapped in a hot crazy circle.
Trapped and spoiled.
It makes me clumsy.
Making me such a slow person.
But he always makes my stomach full.
Feels relax around him.
I can say and  do something ridiculous when Im with him.
I need him.
Instead of I want to be strong again.
I cant run again.
It feels alone without him.
He is just like a brother.
He is the only best friend.

Stop and Think

So fuck*ng stressed studying English, the writing topic's just made me want to throw up whats inside my stomach. What am I doing right now? Studying, studying, s.t.u.d.y.i.n.g, for what? Sometimes I am afraid that I will give up, and all I will get be nothing.

What for? I have already had the job. that I want be settled in. Let me think.

Is it weird when you specify a fiction story as an inspiration for what are you going to do in your life? I know, its weird and inapproriate.

But I really like the character of tutor pleng in a Thailand movie. It was an old movie. The title movie was "I fine, Thank you, I love you", err am I wrong? Yeah the title just kinda like that.

The movie was about a life of an English tutor. I love how she managed a fun class for children, a semi serious class for adult. And I like the way she spoke English. She is really good to be a teacher. She can speak English slowly to her private student, but when she speak English normally, what a well pronunciation.

I would like to be like her in the future. Let me imagine, when I will be in the end of my twenty, I will stay in an apartment, teaching in my own course or in a college and of course, have a car 😀. Sometimes I could be an English interpreter, or a document translator. Im sure I will have very good allowance hahaha

Yet I need to study seriously to achieve that. I need to study a lot, lot, lots of study. L to the O the to the T, L.O.T.S
I should just uninstall webtoon, mobile legend, instagram, viu and use the time for studying. But, oh I was a zombie, attached on phone screen, just like others.
Even now Its normal to be addicted to smartphone, its not weird. The weird person is studying alone in a crowd. Ironic me, us human jaman now.

Menulis sesuatu yang seperti lirik

Dunia dewasa adalah saat kita melihat mimpi dan realitas saling kejar mengejar dan bahkan bertolak belakang.

Hal-hal yang kita pelajari di sekolah, nasehat orang tua dan sebagainya,  anehnya terlupakan, tenggelam dalam kesibukan, pengaruh pergaulan dan ambisi sesaat.

So deep 😁
Ya karena itu aku terpikir menulis lirik puisi, namun memiliki irama dalam perasaanku. Entah bagus atau tidak, tapi aku akan mempostingnya sebagai sesuatu  yang "aku udah pernah menulis sesuatu seperti ini lho". 😁


"Bersama"


Saat hal buruk datang menimpa
Kuputuskan, itu adalah
Kesempatan ku merasakan dunia

Setiap pengalaman berharga
Kuputuskan tetap setia
Menjalani tiap duka bersama

Karena kita berdiri di dasar yang sama
Cinta yang membuat kita
Tetap berada 'tuk sama lain

Pegang tanganku dan rasakan
Ada semangat untuk tetap berjuang
Jangan pernah takut kupergi
Kurasa tak ada lagi, yang membuatku memahami
Dunia

Kau tak akan mengerti yang kurasakan
Gelisah trauma dan lelah
Merasa rendah dan tak berdaya
Namun mimpi kita kan tetap berpijar
Sinari langkah kedepan
Saat nanti kita hanya mengenang
Semua kesalahan dan derita masa lalu
Disitu, dimasa depan, aku akan tetap bersamamu.

"There's no greater love than this...."

This song is about how Jesus loves me. Even when I was fail, when I am weak as a human being, I thought I was alone. He is there, waiting for me calling His name. 

Merendahkan diri di hadapan-Mu.

Kau mengangkat semua bebanku.

Karena Kau sangat teramat mengasihiku.

Bahkan saat aku terjatuh.

AT THE CROSS Hillsong Worship

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
You fail with my failure
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounded me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knees
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this

You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest praise
What can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
And I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this

You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest praise
What can separate me now

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this, no

You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest praise
What can separate me now

You taught a way, You made a way
When You said that it is done
You taught a way, You made a way
When You said that it is done

And when the earth fails
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
Oh, I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this, no

You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest praise
What can separate me now

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this, no

You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest praise
What can separate me now

You taught a way, You made a way
When You said that it is done
You taught a way, You made a way
When You said that it is done

Introvert

Am I the one who should be blamed for every bad things which happened around me? I really like my collegues, my workplace but I cant deal with the fights with  my housemates. I really like working and hate going home.

One of my housemates is a moody person. She could be cheerful but then ignore you in next day. She would tag you on the facebook post showing how close we are as a housemate then just slammed her room door with i-dont-have-no-any-idea-reason. She yells when something irritates her and just smile when she does something wrong. Im tired with that and decided to ignore her back when she ignored me. I sometimes say sorry to her whether something has already bothered her, but now I just act she is as nobody.  I just greet her formally and dont join with her friends when they are gathering in the livingroom. I wished we could be back like several week ago, playing ludo together, cooking big meal and ordering food online at the night late but I can't turn my ego down to speak casually. And here we are, like some strangers live under the same roof.

Maybe it is because I am an introvert person. If I were an outgoing person, it couldnt happen. But it is still confusing. I like being alone, more productive when I am alone, but I really hate for being lonely. I ignore my friends while I am busy, and it is really hard for me to invite my friend when I need to go hang out. Perhaps this is an answer why I cant break with my bf. I am scared to be lonely, such a title of a song 😀

The second possible reason is that I never spend my sparetime at home anymore. On freeday, I prefer to stay for several hours to study in cafe with the bf. My housemate once complained to me, said I am not in the house often. I arrive at home at 10 pm, when they already slept, and I leave house  around 9 am. Sounds like I am pretty busy.

I have told this to my collegue and asked for some advice. She must to be an objective person since she doesnt know about my housemates. She adviced me for moving fron the house. Is it okay for moving? Or perhaps I am the one who need turn down my ego and try to understand other? I dont know yet but I am still hate going home.

Admiration

Actually,  it feels weird of writing about personal life in this page but I found it was interesting reading my own page that already written in the past. It feels like " Wow, I've ever been through in this situation". There is no or rare readers show up here, and I dont really expected these ones. But now Iam not doing some "curcol" here,  I want to wrote some things who motivate me in nowadays.

Recently, I met someone who made me asking myself, "What was I doing during this 2 years? ". It get me motivated to do something to improve my life. Help me have willingness to chase mydream after. Thanks to him.

I have admired Hayley William for long time. She is the lead vocalist of Paramore Band. She already became a part of my emo teenager life 😊. Im falling in live with all the songs of paramore and get motivated by the story of her band journey. Hayley have been went through hard times in the beginning of her life and went along under pressure while singing and writing many great ever songs.

Most of their songs reflected about the story of their life and band journey. "Only exception" is one of my favorite songs tells about the brokenhome had hurt Hayley and even make her hard to believe about the love. "Emergency" makes me jump and sit calmly for being touched by the meaning inside the lyric. "Last hope", " Born for this", "When it rains", "Brick by boring brick" yeah I like most of the songs in their album "All we know falling" and "Riot".

 She has the same height with me; 1,57, Hah! 😀 The tiny girl with a great voice.

The great band which oftens changed the personnel. Even now Jeremy Davis left the band, he is one of the paramore founder. Paramore is then only Hayley and Taylor york before Zac Farro joined back as a drummer.

It is quite fun to find there are so many fan fiction in wattpad about Hayley and Taylor which is called Tayley as the title of the story. Thats love fan fiction story help me to imagine it will be wonderful if Taylor become Hayley "the only exception" instead of being with Chad her ex former husband. They look good together. Taylor is a attractive and funny guy, there are so many his funny moments in paramore concert video, they make me love Taylor too.

Paramore postponed the concert in Indonesia until August 2018 and I dont really care about it since I cant pay that expensive ticket 😁. I am also not really into the ther new album "After laughter". The album consist a pop songs that make me afraid will not see the rocker girl with a loud and high tone which always force me to sing as loud as her. But I am still being amazed with the deep meaning of the lyric in the new songs. I have read many pro and contra comments in the youtube about Paramore genre changes. Some of them said that Paramore deserved a change. I agree eventhough I dont really like the new songs. However, I have already listened some great song to help me motivated me through the hard times, thanks to you Paramore, thank you Hayley, thank you Josh Farro, thank you Jeremy Davis, thank you lovely Taylor York, thank you Zac farro.

It has been a long time I do not write anything on this blog. This time I am trying on English besides to practice my writing skill, I also want to be used to in English words. Wish I could keep writing more often.

Now I am working in course, teaching english for primary student. The students are nice and the classes run well. I love my new workplace more than the previous one. If I worked in this place at the first time. I love to be energetic in the class, see the eunthiasim on the students face while I am doing some fun activity or game in the class. I also love the smart students and can not stop gigling seeing the funny and innocence of them. I love myself when I am applying my patience toward the slow students and when I am trying to reduce the noise in the class. It look like I meet my passionate in my job.

I hope I can have this feeling for the long time. I am tired of keep change the job, seeking other job, and adapting in new environment. Time to go back work 😀