The advice

So, his senior said something about my bf. He saw the similarity between him with N*val in the past. He said when he see my bf, it feels like seeing him in the past. "Twenties years ago, I was like him. The clumsy and silly one. Everybody said that I dont have a bright future. But then there was a woman who changed me. " By the way, now he is a businessman and a kind of politician.
I just smiled, not really into it.
"So, I guess the woman now is your wife." I replied bluntly.
"Nope."
"The ex?"
"Yes. The "Miss Ospek". I was so naive and dull asking her to be my girl. But we were going out eventually. And it happened. She changed me, at 24 Ive became an auditor in a big company."
It wouldnt happen to N*val, I said to my self.
"You said that you see kindness in him, thats why you stand for him for 4 years, right?"
I nodded with nerve smile. We speak English in front of many people, in front Nov*l, J*se, J*sica and others, and it is not a normal conversation. It sounds like relationship consultation.
"The kindness is the key of success, even people betray and play with us, the kindness will lead the way."
"Errrr Okay.."
It wouldnt happen with Noval, I said to myself. I dont have any idea of changing him, I ve already been tired of quarelling anytime we have different thought.
"He is afraid of losing you. He tried to be a leader for you, but he will never be. Because you are a smart girl."
If I am really that smart, it will be easy for me for studying English translation, I think in doubt.
"I started to change for good then she left me. You could leave him for good, or you can wait to get the better version of him. He is a diamond, you just need to polish him."
I shrugged my shoulder.
"Believe me, Im good at learning about people."
"He is a dull. Everytime I give a word, he fight back." I said honestly.
"His shio is snake right. "
"Yes." I laughed. So we are talking about shio right now.
"If you try to fight with snake, it will stand and fight back. So dont make a fight, but just kick it hard."
" hahaha, make sense."
"You get it now, just kick it. Do trade off (tarik ulur)."
"Yeah, I dont know. I will try."

Its general advice , I am a girl, need a specific tips for sure.

But then I think the honest reason why I ve been stuck in this relationship, because I am not good at flirting and cheating with others, or because I am so selfish and he is always been there for me. So there wont any chances we separated. Its not all about his kindness and clumsiness. I ve no idea of changing him. I ve been sick of fighting with him a lot.

Past Tense

I wont ever forget when the three of them sent me home. When I said I love being friends with them, I meant it. When I left them behind, I thought I would be fine. But it occured, making me forget how to make friends. The nice side of me turned into a paranoid. I am afraid of being used, left by someone I call friend. I ignored the friendship that other offered. I was outside, but I was trapped a room in the crowded. I was being good at putting fake smile. I felt comfortable being alone with my sad face. I didn't need to say hi and asking others feeling. Greeting someone became a big problem. I found misery in others think were nothing to worry about. I felt uneasy easily.

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry

And everytime you leave me, the quicker these tears dry

And everytime you walk out, the less I love you

Baby, we dont stand a chance, its sad but its true 

(Sam smith - Too Good at Goodbyes)

Kenapa harus curhat di blog?

Kenapa hey?

Sekarang aku post pake bahasa Indonesia. Agak mual sama bahasa Inggris. Ngajar pake bahasa Inggris, belajar bahasa inggris, sampe bersenandung juga harus English hahaha.

Kembali ke topik, kenapa harus curhat di blog? Biar dibilang apa coba?

Dulu aku setiap ngerasa galau, salah satunya obatnya itu browsing di internet. Liat-liat di kaskus atau googling, atau lihat di curhat.com apa ada orang yg punya masalah yang aku alami sekarang. Rasanya diinternet bisa terkoneksi dengan orang luar. Jadi saat curhat di blog, rasanya pasti ada silent reader diluar sana yg mengalami hal yg sama. Mudah-mudahan bisa menjadi motivasi atau inspirasi. 😀

Anehnya aku cenderung menulis blog saat sedang dirundung galau. Saat sedang happy dan sibuk, susah menulis kata-kata. Dan memang kesenangan lebih seru diceritakan secara lisan dibanding tulisan.

Dan memang menulis kadang bisa menjadi jalan keluar dari kegalauan. Kita bisa mengurutkan kejadian, mengoreksi perasaan kita apakah itu over reacting atau respon yg normal, dan yang terakhir otak kita memproses beberapa solusi atau sisi positif dari permasalahan tersebut. Hasilnya ya mirip pas kita curhat sama seseorang.

So, menurutku itu mungkin beberapa alasan pribadi yang suka curhat di blog.

Under Pressure

I have AB blood type. Companies in Japan would never ever hire me as an employee. The analyze about character according the blood said that I am a moody person,  temporarily motivated and can not stand for working under pressure. Yeah, thats me, I guess so.

Put concentration in several place really sucks. It invades my brain perpetually. Sometimes I transform become a broken machine, can not doing anything, in other word "lazy".

Then the guilty cell shouting in mind. How come a perfect body, perfect mind can be defeated by unlucky person or sorry, disable person out there. They can work better than me, no complaining, moving faster and studying hard.

Blame Comfort Zone and Low Self Esteem.